Tiger Woods Conspiracy Theory

Tiger Woods is no idiot.  Anyone who can shoot a 4-under-par 68 after a 5-month layoff from a mentally grueling sport like golf must be the equivalent of Superman wielding a golf club.  Theoretically, even as emotionally challenging as the sport of golf can be, probably any reasonable person would have to assume that Tiger’s ordeal with his scandalous sexual escapades really should have caused him even more emotional stress than swinging a five-iron.

And that above-noted score, by the way, is Tiger’s best ever on a first day of play at any Master’s Tournament that he’s ever attended.  Additionally, having made eagles at the 8th and 15th holes, it marks the only time he’s ever scored multiple eagles in any Master’s round.  All in all, therefore, it certainly doesn’t appear as though Tiger is suffering from any means of post traumatic stress disorder symptoms related to his very recent sexual scandals when viewed in contrast to his steady hand at swinging a golf club.

Now, I know this sounds presumptuous, but how hard would it be for a super celebrity slash athlete – like Woods – to arrange for around 15 girls (or however many there were) to fraudulently claim intimate involvement in the interest of creating a social media scandal that would later prove to enrich the Woods’ bank account even more after everything was said and done?

Think about it:  The sport of golf in terms of both media attention and tournament purse payouts was never even close to where it has evolved to in response to the advent of Tiger Woods’ personal career.  I mean, football, basketball and baseball have always been big in the media and have consistently enjoyed a loyal following of throngs of fans; but the stellar popularity of golf is actually much more recent, with much – it not most or all – of the credit going to Tiger’s truly amazing athletic abilities at the sport.

With that being said, there may have been some concern brewing among Big Golf sponsorship and commercial endorsers alike that the level of attention being paid to the game of golf might be waning somewhat and would be in need of a massive publicity boost.  In theory to presume the general or specific psyche of the viewing public, the benefits of such a massive publicity boost, if carried out correctly, could potentially live on in view of the sport long after Tiger Woods actually ends up retiring his golf cart and golf bags into the recesses of his 8,000 square-foot garage.

Without question, the American public in particular enjoys nothing more than to become engrossed in a wild and wooly sex scandal centered on some high profile celebrity.  The peculiar nature of human psychology here (at least in this society) tends to follow suit with the lyrics to the 1982 Rock n’ Roll song, “Dirty Laundry,” written and sung by Don Henley.  But if you don’t know – or don’t remember – the solemn truth about human nature that is so accurately reflected by those lyrics, then I’ll invite you search the song out on the Internet so that you get my point here.

In the meantime, what I’m proposing is that Tiger Woods probably never cheated on his wife in the first place.  My first guess beyond that is that Tiger was probably a virgin before he met his wife and that he doesn’t have the sophistication to travel around the country having sex with strange women who work minimum wage jobs.  I also don’t think he’s stupid enough to assume that he could have possibly gotten away with sending out all those raunchy text messages to all those women into perpetuity.

Also, his wife is apparently still standing by his side despite the fact that she threatened to leave him at the outset of this purported scandal and move back to Switzerland, or wherever it is she emigrated from.  This consideration is also withstanding the fact that she is concurrently being spotted without wearing her wedding ring, which I am supposing is nothing more than a ploy to make the whole set up of a bereaved wife look believable to the viewing public.

The tricky part comes now that Tiger is back in the limelight with a golf club in hand, because now he needs to make sure that he wins the Master’s Tournament in order for this whole phony ploy of being an international playboy to work out as planned.  In short, if he wins the tournament, then popularity for the sport of golf is sure to rise to new heights never before seen; and conversely if he loses the game, then the popularity of the game may indeed sink to lows also never before seen.

The thing about it is that the history of Tiger’s game shows us where there is a very reasonable likelihood that he will win the game; and for which such reasonably assured speculation is clearly unlike that of any other golfer in past history.  Also, the caliber of any other professional players currently out there in the golf circuit really don’t come close to matching the caliber of Tiger at any time when he is in control of playing his best game.  It’s not like the sport has Tiger Woods playing along someone like Jack Nicholson.

The gamble here would be to place Tiger into this really poor publicity light of being a land-roving playboy who is eager to pull his club out of the sack on a moment’s notice and freely swing it around on a whim with any girl who happens to be within a club’s length away from him.  As far as anyone can see, he then jaunts off to this ritzy sex rehabilitation clinic to purportedly find a cure for his obsessive horniness, when in reality he is actually practicing his putting on an indoor putting green and holding teleconferencing sessions with executives of Big Golf, the Nike Corporation and other business interests.

With the exception of Beaverton, Oregon, based Nike Corporation, all these other endorsers are seen dropping off like flies from their support for Tiger, but that’s no big deal for a guy who is already a billionaire and hold a strong chance to win his sixth Master’s Tournament.  The end result is that they all collectively come up with this really sort of austere 30-second commercial for Nike that features Tiger in a kind of silent and staring trance while the voice of his father is heard in the background offering past words of reprimand to his son.

If all things work out as planned, then Tiger comes back and wins his sixth Master’s Title, which results in all hell breaking loose in terms of commercial endorsement possibilities on top of a burgeoning public enthusiasm for the game of golf on an overall basis.  The end result is that (providing Tiger wins this tournament) there will be those who love Tiger and then there will be those who despise him; but the pros and cons of a love and hate relationship among the viewing public won’t really matter simply because everyone’s eyes are going to be glued on the game of golf for one reason or another.

From the perspective of commercial value in terms of media attention, the reasons why people are watching the game of golf won’t matter as much as the fact that they are watching.  To sum up this equation in the effective words of Mr. Donald Trump when he was asked for his personal opinion on the most important issue at hand regarding Tiger’s long term career viability, Mr. Trump’s answer was: “He needs to win!”